I live in America, but I also live in a neighborhood. The streets and homes are familiar and comfortable. I could follow the route to my job, the grocery store, my kids’ school half asleep. I bike, I run, I walk my dog past single-family homes, McMansion developments, condominium complexes, and trailer parks.
I see the people who live in these houses at the gym and the park. We wait in line together for our coffee and cross paths at the dentist and doctor’s office. …
Blow up 2021 the lazy way.
‘Half’ is a funny word. Mathematically, it has a very exact definition. But culturally, ‘half’ can mean a lot of different things. Mathematically, you can only be ‘halfway there’ for less than a fraction of a second. But anyone who has ever taken a road trip knows that you can be ‘halfway there’ for a long time. And if you had siblings you had to share candy with growing up, you understand that ‘half’ is always subject to interpretation.
So look, 2020, was a doozy and we’re all looking to kick it up a notch for 2021. But I’ve never been a fan of the New Year’s resolutions that rely on complex algorithms to achieve unattainable goals. Instead, I much prefer goals with a little bit more wiggle room. …
It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when.
Ok, let’s get real here. Hands in the air if you’ve peed your pants and your age is not a single digit. Don’t be shy, get those hands in the air.
Hmm. I can’t see you so it’s tough to estimate a percentage, but I bet a lot of you out there have peed in your pants before. If your hand is in the air, you can stop reading since you already know what I’m about to say.
If you’ve never peed your pants or you’re lying that you’ve never peed your pants, keep reading. …
There’s one right way to see your friends this winter, and it’s in the great outdoors, having fun despite the blustery temperatures.
Before you protest and argue that you don’t like the cold, you need to take a moment to read the diary of Robert Falcon Scott. Scott was a British explorer who tried to walk from the edge of the Antarctic ice shelf to the South Pole and back. In his diary, he describes cold in ways that you or I will never experience.
True, he froze to death just 11 miles away from his destination, but hear me out. Throughout his writing, Scott praises his companions and talks about what high spirits they are in, despite temperatures well below zero. Certainly, they were all friends, and certainly, they had wonderful times, taking in the scenery of the beautiful, frozen continent. …
I’m not a first responder, but I’m married to one. In a way, that makes me a first responder to a first responder. While he responds to your emergencies, I’m the one who is waiting at home to help him celebrate the good calls, process the bad calls, and keep everything in perspective so he can go to work again the next day.
My husband is the type of paramedic that you really hope shows up when your dad has a heart attack or your toddler wakes up covered in hives.
He is patient, confident, and always has warm hands. He is funny — but not too funny — and can get people to talk about things like what kind of drugs they’ve taken or where the bruises on their chest came from. He is meticulous about medications and can convince even the most crotchety old folks to go to the hospital when their blood pressure is too high. …
No wonder everybody is so anxious all the time.
I grew up in New York State near the Canadian border on a road so rural that cable TV wasn’t even an option. Instead, we had a giant metal antenna balanced precariously on the roof of our house. When we wanted to watch a show, my dad would climb up a ladder and swivel the antenna around until a fuzzy picture emerged on our living room TV set. …
It’s not where you might think.
Giving the perfect gift is hard. But I can help you nail it this year. Unlike the catalogs, flyers, emails, texts, and commercials you’ve been bombarded with since Halloween, I’m not going to recommend an item or a store. I’m not going to give you a list of gadgets or books to buy.
But I am going to give you a killer recommendation for where you should go to start your holiday shopping.
Grab a coffee, hit the road, and head to your local dump. I’m often told that I should say “Transfer Station” or “Recycling Center”, but I think “Dump” more accurately reflects what people do there, so I’m sticking with it. …
I’ll tell you why for free.
“The younger you are the more you know.”
This is what I tell my high school seniors who are on the cusp of graduation. They’ve chosen a career path and a college, they’ve identified their passions and interests. They’ve solidified their GPAs and finally grown out of half a decade of acne.
They are sure of themselves and their worldviews and it is awesome. Sometimes, I bask in their confidence, trying to remember what it was like to feel so sure of myself. …
It was a great car, but sometimes you’ve just got to go.
I’ve known a lot of guys named Steve before. But only one of the Steves I’ve known had the right combination of je ne sais quoi and body odor to earn the name Steve-O. I don’t know what’s so powerful about that stupid uppercase O, but to say that a Steve is the same as a Steve-O is like saying there’s no difference between a thoroughbred racehorse and the metal pony you can pay a quarter to ride outside the grocery store.
We’ve all had a friend like Steve-O before. Steve-O is the guy who shows up late without any money but can still make everybody laugh. He’s the kind of friend who isn’t good looking or charming but lights up the room anyway. One night when a group of us went out for wings, we looked down to see Steve-O wearing two matching left flip-flops. It was unsettling and nobody knew how it happened, but that’s just how you roll when you are a Steve-O. …
My plan to level-up America.
If I became president, I’m pretty sure I could fix most of the problems in our country. Unfortunately, I know jack squat about tax code and foreign policy, so I’d probably never get elected.
Regardless, I’ll share my strategy with you. Maybe you know about the tax code and foreign policy and you can run for president. You can steal my plan and I won’t even expect any credit for it.
If I was president, I’d start a program requiring every person to commit one year of their lives to each of the following jobs:
When I was 17, I got a job working at a center for developmentally disabled adults. …